Golden Rules of Returning Home

I. Wives, Listen up. Seriously, if I could only list one rule, this would technically be it. BE PREPARED. Uhh, intimately. If you know what I mean. Even if your husband's deployment was only three months to six months, be prepared. If his deployment was a year, God Help you.

II. Soldiers, don't try taking over family affairs right away or complaining about her new hairdo. This is a recipe for disaster. I mean, really, after your loved-one has been managing the bills, the house, the kids, the pets, yardwork, groceries, and so on, for a year - NOT wise. Trust me. If you choose to violate this rule by saying something like 'the new curtains don't match the sofa', Rule# 1 will no longer be in effect.

III. Soldiers, Once you return don't over overindulge, especially with alcohol. Remember highschool? When you got drunk for the first time and woke up in a woman's dress, smelling like rancid puke vomit, and you had strange marks all over your body and your car was missing? Then your so-called buddies posted pictures of you making out with your dog. It could happen again. According to the figures, experts say that your tolerance to alcholic beverages goes down exponentially each month. Be assured, you become a lightweight. Years of tolerance building have been lost. One Zima and you'll be acting like a fart-knocker. Plus, if you're not careful you'll end up blowing your tax free $25,000 you saved on deployment at the bar. Good news, overindulging doesn't apply to Rule# 1.

IV. Family, friends, never ask if we shot anyone. We're tired of hearing this question. What's wrong with you people? We're trying to get over the anxiety of a combat zone, near-beer, major depression, anti-malaria pills, constipation, post-traumatic stress disorder, MREs, and you've got the nerve to ask this. If you do, you should have the shitkicked out of you. Yes I own a pair of shitkickers, and yes I know how to use them. Now. Soldiers, if you wanna have fun with some civilian puke, scratch your head, twitch your dominant eye, say 'Not today', then skip to your closet while hollering 'wait right there, i'll be back.'

V. Soldiers, never tell bullshit war stories. Now, hear me out, Rambo. Let me break it down into easier to understand terms. If you see a girl at a bar and you're trying to get jiggy with it, don't drop some war story abot single-handedly killing 100 enemy with nothing but an e-tool. It's a bad pick up line. Instead, my favorite, ask her 'are your legs tired? because you've been running through my mind all night.' Worked for me...

VI. Wives, quit asking if we're ok. Our IQ might only be 2 points higher than a rock after spending a year in the desert, but if we don't remember how to operate a toilet, we'll figure it out. Eventually. And don't add insult to injury by talking to us in baby-talk: 'oh my little sugar muffin, did you forget how to flush the toilet.'

VII. Employers, have our jobs waiting for us Guardsmen and Reservists. The law says we can return to work as if we never left. That includes our vacation accrual. CHA-CHING!

VIII. Wives, share your soldier with family and friends. There is a tendency not to share. But trust me, if you're sick and tired of Rule #1, letting your soldier visit family and friends is about the only relief you're going to get.

IX. Family, friends, don't complain about simple things. Are you trippin'? All civilian pukes are guilty of it even when we call home. There are things they take for granted: 'dammit, they put ketchup on my cheeseburger' or 'for chrissakes i asked for no butter on my popcorn'. You're going to piss off a soldier that was gone for 12 months who just killed 100 enemy with only an e-tool. You'll get a can of whup ass opened up on you.

X. Wives, I know I'm repeating myself, damn skippy, but this is for your own good. Be prepared.

Golden Rules of Care Packages I

I. Please, NO MORE MAGAZINES DATED BACK TO 1980. The average person keeps old magazines for 29 weeks before they throw them out. They're useless to us. Why don't you just mail us your garbage instead? If we wanted useless news, we'd go ask a local National. I'd actually like to see you read one of those old magazines to get your news info, instead of watching CBS or CNN.

II. Don't send a typed letter and copied signature. If a soldier has time to write you back or email, you must have time to send a handwritten letter. Nobody back home could be so busy that they can't write. Most officeworkers spend their time surfing the net or drooling on their keyboard. Trust me, I'm a National Guardsman, but in the Civilian world I work in an office. Receiving a typed letter is the lowest form of support known to deployed troops.

III. Do not send Beef Jerky. I repeat, DO NOT send Beef Jerky. Unless the war just started and you were the first person to get a care package to a soldier, but it's years now and we got beef jerky coming out the wazoo. If your goal is to disappoint a lonely soldier in a war-ravaged country, send it, but otherwise don't believe all the hype about beef jerky. It's a damn conspiracy. You may as well send sh%t shrink-wrapped.

IV. Do not continue to write if the recipient doesn't write back. Take the hint. Recognize that the person is ignoring you and either hated the Care Package you sent and traded it at the local bazaar for something 100 times better, or simply didn't find you or your typewritten letter that interesting. Don't be a damn menace.

V. Don't send canned foods without can openers. We might be Soldiers but we're not the T.V. hero MacGyver. Basic training doesn't cover opening cans with bean sprouts and toothpicks. Yes, we know you have a lot of confidence in us, but get some common sense. It's like sending chips, but no salsa, coffee no creme, it happens all the time and we're sick of it.

VI. Don't put "Word Finds" in your care package. How effing old do you think your audience is over here? The minimum age of a person to join the military is seventeen, and that's with their parents permission. Don't insult our intelligence. Yes, we joined the military, but we can also tie our own shoes and operate a phone. You may as well just send us coloring books or a poster-sized letter that says we support you retarded morons.

VII. The meanest thing you can do to a soldier is to send generic, not name brand goods. It's worse than taking a dump in a cardboard box and shipping it over. Did we piss you off somehow? Generic brand is essentially the MREs of Care Packages. It's cruel and unusual punishment for service to our country.

VIII. Don't ever ever ever send school supplies unless we ask. Tell us first, so at least we know that when we open the Care Package not to expect anything of value. School supplies are worthless to us. There's only so many school supplies a soldier can hand out. We have other missions. There is a war going on or are you still reading the useless news magazines you try peddling off on soldiers overseas?

IX. Don't call us stupid pet names. That's reserved for spouses only. We're adults, not children. People call their pets dumb names or their dying goldfish, not soldiers.

X. Do not send Boohbahs. Jezuz. Are these intended for the local children? Are you trying to scare the living sh#t out of them? Why not send something less scary, like bloody eyeballs or a figurine of Michael Jackson.

Golden Rules of Care Packages II

I. You are allowed to send one picture of yourself or your family in a Care Package, and that's it. No more. Remember, you don't want your soldier to think that you're a pshyco or some loser with no friends. Loser. In any case, I've never seen a soldier hang up a photo of one of their supporters. Burn the photo? Yes. Hang it up, NO.

II. I've checked the military regulations. . .There are no military rules that say we can't have iPods or DVD players. The more electronics you send, the better chance your soldier will write you back a 'Thank-You' note. Don't be afraid to send DVD movies, music CDs, videogames, or laptops.

III. NO shopping at the local Dollar Store for your soldier. If you are shopping at the local Dollar store, you're probably suffering worse than we are. Send us your mailing address. We'll try to help. It sounds like you need the support, not us.

IV. Never complain when a soldier doesn't write you back. It doesn't matter how important you think you are, quite frankly, some soldiers just don't like to write or call or anything, and Yes - that includes their own families. Let the soldier be.

V. If you can't decide what items to put in a Care Package, I've made a short list:1. Junk food (NOT including Beef Jerky)2. Magazines that are 'at most' a month old.3. Electronics.4. DVDs.5. Human Crap (I'd rather eat this before eating one more strip of beef jerky)6. Batteries...#3,556,426. All right, Beef Jerky.

VI. It's all right NOT to include a return shipping address along with your disappointing Care Package. That way you'll never have to know the terrible fate of your care Package. When you never hear back from the soldier (as if you were going to anyway), you can tell yourself, "Shucks, I probably won't hear back because I didn't include a return address."

VII. Remember where we are, and where you are before telling us another personal story. Don't enlighten your soldier by telling him or her how about your 10-day vacation to the beach, where you drank yourself silly and ate cold Pizza for breakfast every morning. That's great news, you bastard. What's worse, is when you complain then about returning to your 5-day workweek. It would behoove you to Shut Up!

VIII. If your package includes the following items, don't even bother sending it.A. Photocopied letters that you've mass produced and sent to every soldier in Afghanistan or IraqB. Letters from kindergarteners telling the soldier he's a 'Meanie' and that he works for a 'Meanie' .C. Leftover holiday candy that you found rotting in a kitchen cabinet.D. Stupid little games you got for 25 cents out of some bubble gum machine. A deck of cards will suffice.Moving on... I could be writing this list for days.

IX. Don't tell your soldier that you understand what he or she is going through because your neighbor's cousin's who has a sister, whose brother knows a guy, who knows a guy, that was deployed. We don't care.

X. Always allow a minumum of three for four weeks for your Care Package to arrive. If we like it, we'll let you know when we get it.

XI. Never send feminine hygeine products to a male soldier. NOT even by accident. Where do you think the word "humiliate" originated from? No, it's not Latin. Some privates in the military came up with it.

Care Packages, What We Really Want...

I. If you must send letters in your Care Package, keep them short. Trust me, you're really not that interesting. We like to hear snippets, but nothing more. The average soldier would rather stick a pencil in their eye before reading about your problems back home or how your kid made Honor Roll. Are you this boring all the time? No wonder you have to write strangers.

II. Send us studio-produced DVDs. About 99.999 % of what you send us, is cr$p. No more Word-Finds, bags of Stress balls, or whatever else you purchase at the Dollar Store. I haven't seen a single soldier complain yet that received a DVD in the mail.

III. Room fresheners. We're not dumb, dirty animals that roll around in the desert sand. It stinks in the desert especially after 11 months. Throwing cr%p in your face would probably smell better than taking a deep breath of one of our huts. It's okay to send room fresheners, deodorant, and so on. You won't insult us. We know we stink.

IV. Wrap packages and contents securely. The trip is long. Mail can take anywhere from seven to 24 days to arrive. The mail travels from the post office, overseas, to the main post, then to the fire base. In between, God knows where else. No more tiny little powdered packets in the little cups that you dump in the box as fillers. You might think you're clever by doing that, but if you knew the things we said when we open a package only to find powder everywhere...

V. Smutt magazines. FHM. Sports Illustrated. Maxim. You know? Smutt. Military regs say don't send pornography. Of course not... But you can still send the latest issue of Maxim. Don't be a wuss. You won't get thrown in jail for listing "Magazines" on the Customs form. I seriously can't imagine a Customs Agent confiscating a Care Package for a Soldier because you listed "Magazines", not "Maxim Issues 1 - 10". Do you still sleep with a night-light and wet your bed?

VI. Logical Pairs of items. P-A-I-R-S. For the love of God, don't send us chips without salsa. I wouldn't feed my own dog chips without salsa. Use your brain. The fact I have to write this concerns me. If you were shopping for yourself, would you eat only chips? Suggesting what to send is fine, but we're people too - just like you. Figure it out. Chips. Salsa. Whatever other non-perishable toppings.

VII. Music CD's just released. You understand Sir-Mix-A-lot? We don't want to hear your cr$ppy music selections that you've burned to CD or illegally downloaded from the internet. Since when are you a DJ? This qualifies you as a cheap b%$tard. You're probably the same person that instead of taking your kids to the Water Park, probably turns on the sprinkler and calls it a day.

VIII. Small stuffed-animals and cards for family back home. Trying to shop at the local bazaar for a kid's birthday, I assure you, is not possible. What'll my 4-year old do with a Sword or some imitation rug? Granted, it won't ultimately be used by us, but we'll fill it out or whatever, then send it back home so our kids and spouses don't feel neglected on all the important dates. Wal-Mart might be KING, but I have yet to see one open it's doors in Afghanistan.

IX. Best-selling author novels. No more no-name authors that write about mystical creatures that can fly and talk. We have the mental capacity to read a book about something a little more complex. No more shopping at The Good Will for books ok? All we're going to do is find the nearest trash can and pretend to play basketball with your books, using the trash can as a basket.

X. I'm not afraid to ask what we really want. Portable DVD players. Lap tops. iPods. Someone out there might buy it for a soldier who forgot to bring it, doesn't have the money to buy it, or is just plain too stupid to order it. I guarantee your soldier will be grateful. After sending it, you could mail a box of human waste and your soldier would write back and say "Thank-You".

Golden Rules of Milblogging

I. In your blog profile, there's no need to disguise your name. Don't try and describe something you're not. If your blog name is CombatKillah or SouljahHard, and your job on deployment is to cook or listen to the radio in the JOC all day, change your name to DoughBoy or JocRoach. You should be proud of your role in the military. Readers want to hear "How to serve Boiled Hot Dogs 10 Days Straight". You'll be on Technorati's Top 100 before you know it.

II. Soldiers, sailors, whoever - there's no need to write dramatic tales about doing nothing. Even I'm guilty of it. Unless you survived the Battle of Fallujah or some other major Battle, don't belittle other historic events by talking-up your walk from your hooch to the latrene as you IMT in three to five second rushes. Trust me, readers back home aren't going to turn to your blog as a daily source of the real war. If you're blogging from Fort Pickett or some other base in the States and you haven't been deployed, don't waste your time. Do you really think readers care.

III. Don't milblog just because others are doing it. Just because you're good at one thing, doesn't mean you'll be good at another. Take the hint. When your site meter reads 12 visitors in the last six months, unplug it. That, or start writing about something more interesting. If you failed English in highschool and you don't know how to use spellchecker, you should spend your time doing correspondence courses, not milblogging.

IV. Don't tell readers about military plans. It's worse than treason. You should be punished. Having your blog shutdown and crying over it will be the least of your worries. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, don't blog at all. For milbloggers that do all kinds of secret squirrel stuff and remain anonymous, it's not too hard to reveal the source. The blogs usually look a little like this: ckljlutio: I'm sitting in Andar, tomorrow we plan to air assault in at approximately 1430 zulu, grid coordinates Uniform Alpha.. (blah blah blah). It's only a matter of time before someone important figures out who you are.

V. Stop complaining about the military in your blogs. This is the lowest form of milblogging there is. Sure, the chow sucks at times. It's hot. I know. It's fine to complain about simple things. Besides, you're in the military, get over it. At least for the next 12 to 18 months.

VI. Don't use milblogging as the only method of communication with family and friends. It does happen. E-mail them once in awhile. Pick up a damn phone and call your spouse or your kids. It is more human to hang-up the phone on them when you get sick of them talking than it is to avoid them by blogging.

VII. Be heard. Storm a hill. Save the day. Rescue a local. Find Osama. But don't be stupid and put yourself in harm's way to improve the traffic to your milblog. I guarantee the soldier that finds Osama, the number of visitors will skyrocket, even if they're located in a different Province in Afghanistan. Simply being a milblogger in Afghanistan should be enough to get people back home to read your worthless milblog.

VIII. If you're told by your leadership to stop blogging because you violated some rule, then stop. Three-year olds and rabbits learn their lesson when they touch a hot stove. Blog about something else going on in your life. Then again, if you're milblogging from Iraq or Afghanistan, you really have no life.

IX. Simmer down. You might be a direct line to an American serviceman for the public back home, but don't think you're Geraldo Rivera as an embedded reporter. If you have enough time to blog every minute of the day, then trust me, your job on deployment isn't that interesting. No one can milblog all the time unless they're sitting behind some desk. Don't overkill. You'll just end up giving the few readers that you have an aneurysm.

X. Trying to raise donations using stupid ads or those god-awful t-shirts on your milblog is about as useful as raffling off your own poop to earn a buck. Only about .000000001% of visitors to your blog are retarded enough to click on the advertisement for "Literacy in Cambodia". And why would anyone want to buy a t-shirt with your blog name for $19.99, when they could buy a name brand shirt for the same price from Macy's.

XI. Don't just put references to other milblogs in your milblog as a substitute for writing. Do you think the readers are that stupid? They'll figure out that you have nothing to write about soon enough.

XII. Don't overdo the banners. Banner this. Banner that. Meters. Ads. Blog rolls. And so on and so on. If you've tried all this crap and no one is reading your blog - you know what time it is? Yes, I'm guilty of it to. Possibly pushing the envelope. Too many banners, ads, meters.. some readers would probably love to bash my head in with their mouse. Your readers want to send you hate mail, but they can't find your email or a way to contact you because of all the crap in your milblog. It's a technique, that's all.

XIII. Stop whining about the war or being stop-lossed. Granted, it's your right to express your beliefs especially about up-armor, but when your blog reads: "Why are we here? We need a new President! I was stop-lossed Waaah! We're not making any progress [type other rhetorical political comments]". It's boring and annoying. Suck it up.

XIV. Never ever ever ever, post more than 4 or 5 milblogs in the same day. Even that's pushing it. Your readers will know you really don't do anything of value in the desert, besides milblog.

XV. You're not Shakespeare. You know who you are. Your blogs read like this: "As I sat their pondering over my green lettuce with tiny little dew drops on each leaf, and red juicy tomatoes sliced in perfect little circles..." Say what you want to say. It's quality not quantity. I'd rather see a picture of your puke than read another long drawn out entry about crap.

XVI. You don't have to post your pictures all over your milblog. Are you in love with yourself? Here's me standing next to the latrene. Me, in the gym. That's me standing in the desert. Me again, doing nothing. One or two pics is fine of yourself, but you're not Brad Pitt or Cindy Crawford in uniform. I assure you. Do what other soldiers do, post your pathetic pics on Hot or Not to raise your self-esteem (or in some cases lower it).

XVII. Stop with these hazy excuses for not milblogging like "On Mission", "MWR Down", "Op Sec", or a full page of ambiguous nonsense which makes readers feel like you're blowing them off. If you caught dysentary by drinking the local water and you have a nasty case of the "runs", that's okay, let the readers know. They worry. If you don't feel like writing, be honest. Ignoring your supporters back home is worse than taking a picture of your ass and posting it on your blog.

Golden Rules of Care Package Wish List

I. Don't just ask for prohibited items. -This is only a suggestion though, not a rule- Are you trying to get your supporter thrown in jail?! If the feds intercept the box, your supporter will be hunted down, captured, and prosecuted like a cold-blooded killer. Their lives will be ruined. You probably write them and say: "it's ok, don't worry, just put it in a Listerine Bottle". Meanwhile, the poor schmuck is signing his death warrant on the Customs Form at the Post office. the postal employees love jailbait.

II. Supporters aren't effing mind readers. supporters aren't going to know what you want unless you tell them - dumba$$. Remember when you were five years old? You had no problem with your wish lists when you were sitting on Santa's lap with snot running out of your nose. Instead of saying "Toys" you said "Duh Santa, I want a Daisy Wed Wyder bb gun." You knew then you had to be specific otherwise you got crap under the tree. Do your supporters the same service so you don't have to re-gift your care package at the local bazaar.

III. If you ask for underwear, tell your supporters what kind. Thongs? G-string? Polka dots? Pink? Leopard spotted? You see where I'm going with this? Your supporters will be in a state of panic at the store trying to decide what to buy. Sure, your supporters might get a good laugh by sending you thongs, but if you're in desperate need of underwear and have no alternative but to wear the thongs, you might be in trouble the next time you change in the Showers. Someone is going to have a rat-tail fight with a wet towel. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's when someone gets a wet towel, spins it around until it's tight, then snaps it at your bottom causing a painful stinging that leaves a big red welt.

IV. Quit telling supporters you like Beef Jerky. Damn it, get an imagination. Asking for beef jerky only proves you have no original thought. You're the same person that asks for: canned goods, food, magazines, and personal hygeine items. You're making it worse for the rest of the soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq and it's pissing us off. The next soldier that asks for beef jerky should be kicked in the gut. If you're in the field for 30 days straight it's understandable, no forget it's not. I'd rather eat Country Captain Chicken MRE than another piece of beef jerky. Use your brain the military issued.

V. Health and Hygeine items. Trust me, be specific. Nothing is more priceless than a male soldier opening a Care Package that has nothing but tampons and pads. If you've reached this point, your supporter obviously knows nothing about you and you're to blame. The only thing they got right is the address on the box. Other soldiers won't think it's funny, they'll think you're a total moron. And if it gets to this point, yes, you are a total moron.

VI. Be specific. This might be the most important rule of all. Magazines? Canned goods? Stuff? Lazy wish list items like these are mind boggling to me. You can ask for whatever you want, but instead your wish list is ambiguous and generic. You're low balling. I've seen some soldiers receive T.V.s, microwaves, DVDs, and so on. There are thousands of people back home sending over crap because they don't know better. Are you honestly telling me you don't have time to put together a specific wish list? The thought of this makes me sick to my stomach that I want to throw up and eat it. Alright, on to the next rule..

VII. If you ask for tactical items you better give them the all the details. Asking a 50-year old housewife for tactical gear is like talking to a local national without an interpreter. First, if you're a cook asking for SureFires, Spec Ops gear and so on, stop. It's embarassing. You should be asking for spatulas, cooking pots and tableware. If you're a Combat Arms soldier or in support of a unit, then you better provide: the manufacturer, the product #, a web site, the color, and size. Otherwise you'll be one of those servicemen that walks around in the underarmour t-shirts ten sizes too small but thinks he looks buff and cool - but hasn't hit the gym in twelve months. I mean, have you seen some of these soldiers around base? I mean I don't have a weak stomach most of the time, but wearing spandex was only cool in the 'eighties.

VIII. Take five minutes out of your day and think about your favorite foods and other items you always mooch off your battle buddies. Then think about all the items you eat or take out of their packages when they're gone. Jot it down. that's your starter list. Don't make up any more lists of lies. It's only a matter of time before your living space is overrun with useless care packages. You'll spend most of your time cursing the packages and supporters that send them. It's your own fault and you should be forced to eat every item until you get a severe case of diarrhea.

IX. Give your supporters some background so they know how to tailor your next care package. If you're married it's probably important. Single? Supporters want to know. Is it cold? Is the weather hot? Supporters are concerned and they can help. Most supporters do have some brains. With some info about you, they can help your worthless lazy a$$ come up with some ideas.

X. Don't assume your supporters know who you are. If you send a thank-you email, tell them. include where you're from and so on. Some supporters are like factories that pump out care packages by the dozen to anonymous soldiers. So when you write them a thank-you by email that says: "thanks for the care package stuff. jt". WTFO? They're not psychics. You're not clever by writing back and hiding. You should write: "thanks for the item in the mail. signed- an anonymous soldier somewhere on the Planet Earth". If you're a coward and afraid your supporter is going to be a pest - If you must email, tell them "next time i receive this crap in the mail, i'm going to return to sender with some of my own crap." Chuck a camel spider in the box. That'll do the trick.

Golden Rules of Deployment

I. Signing up for the military just for the College money and absolutely NO OTHER reason is the lowest form of service. It's more patriotic to 'blow your nose' (yes, I watered that comment down) with a picture of Uncle Sam. Moving on...

II. If you come across a camel spider on deployment, STOMP it into a bloody stain.

III. Take your Melfoquin regularly as prescribed. You might get night terrors and vomit when you take the pill, but it's less painful than catching Malaria and an Article 15 that makes you wish for death.

IV. If you must ridicule your chain-of-command or buddies, do it anonymously by scribbling on the toilets. I'm not condoning this act, but military toilets now contain brilliant examples of military culture. Some times in the form of poetry, but usually in the form of X-rated drawings. My favorite poetry: "Ninja rule 3 - a ninja only wipes twice" and "Ninja rule 5 - a ninja takes 31 one inch steps."

V. The quickest way to shutdown MWR (the computer center) and screwover your buddies is trying to download Movie Star porn from a military computer or by typing in something like 'midgetporn-dot-com' in the Address bar. Yes, it's okay to surf the internet but remember, you're not at home.

VI. "320 days and a wake up". "212 days and a wake up". What's with these soldiers counting down the days until they get home? Only child molesters and murderers awaiting parole count the days on a calendar until they're free. It's more damaging psychologically to keep track of your time left in country than it is to sniff bleach.

VII. This rule is very important. If your base has an MWR with Dance night, don't tie glow-in-the-dark chemlites to your boots and hit the dance floor. It looks stupid back in the States, and even stupider in a Combat Zone. Waay stupider. It's mostly crackheads that attempt this.

VIII. If you're couch potato family and friends that despise you back home don't send you care packages or support, developing new friends by joining Anysoldier or Soldier's Angels will take you from mutant freak to Mister Popular. Supporters don't care if people back home run around pointing at you with a shape of an 'L' on their forehead... they'll send you all the support and garbage you want.

IX. When you call home, don't simulate talking on a miltary radio. Yes, I've heard soldiers talk like this due to the lag of overseas phone lines. And yes, the next time I hear a soldier do it I will drop-kick that soldier out of their chair.
It goes something like this:
Soldier: Hi Mom, it's me - your son. Over.
MOM: Uhh, Hi Bobby Joe. Are you still coming home for R&R?
Soldier: Hi Mom, this is Bobby Joe. That's a roger. Over.
MOM: Uhh ok. When?
Soldier: Mom, this is Bobby Joe. ETA zero-three weeks. How copy? Over.

X. Don't voluntarily take the first block of R&R. Are you on crank? TRUST ME on this rule. You're not clever. If there's anything more pathetic than a soldier that doesn't take R&R leave, it's a soldier that takes the first block of R&R.

XI. Faking an illness or injury to get out of deployment is worse than fleeing to Canada. That's all for now...

Golden Rules of Basic Training

I. Never ever ever question a Drill Sergeant. If he tells you the sky is green. The sky is green. If he says your Mom is a Goat. Your Mom is a goat. Say it with total assurance.

II. Train your stomach to enjoy MRE's. It's prime Americana, even though it wreaks havoc on your internal organs. You should trick yourself psychologically and say things like: "Damn, I wish I had the recipe." And for the love of God, don't eat the MRE cheese. You either won't shit for 3 weeks -or worse - you won't stop shitting for 3 weeks. It's a gamble.

III. To become a Platoon Guide or Squad leader you have to have a certain leadership quality - usually a dumb look on your face. Try not to look dumb. That includes blinking, breathing, moving your nostrils, or standing.

IV. Fitness tests. If you can't pass, don't worry. The Drill Sergeants will kill you first.

V. How sick you have to be before going to sick call is anyone's guess. Unless you're having a brain hemorrhage or your spleen is missing, don't even bother. The Drill Sergeants care about your well being, but don't pester them with silly complaints like Blindess, shortness of breath, and so on.

VI. If you must indulge in Contraband, quit it. Trust me from experience. That includes smutt magazines, candy bars, tobacco, and cell phones. Selling candy bars for $10 is one of the worse offenses. You will be wishing for death if you get caught.

VII. "Smoking" after "Smoking" after "Smoking". . . It serves some purpose. The Drill Sergeants wouldn't lie to you. Maybe it's for a good laugh, but you won't be laughing after 500 "mini jumping-jacks." "

VIII. Fort Benning is a wasteland run by fear. Exploit it, do something stupid it o piss off the Drill Sergeants and get your buddies "smoked": so you can have a pillowcase party in your honor.

IX. Start platoon wars. There is an inexplicable resentment and rivalry among platoons. So needless to say you have competitions. The ones the DS don't know about is when you kidnap another soldier, duct tape his ass cheeks together and Gold Bond his groin area. It delivers a punishing shock on his groin.